Of Elephants and Scientists
by Jojo6
Summary: You gotta love off-world ceremonies. S/J. S5.


Of Elephants and Scientists 

A/N: Yes. It's silly. But I really, really needed silly fluff. 

Rating: PG 

Season: 5   


As always, feedback is much appreciated.   
  


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"It's entirely possible that... that..." Daniel's mouth closed and he breathed out through his nose at length, obviously at a loss as to how to continue, blue eyes slightly scrunched up behind his glasses as he considered Jack.

For once in his life, Daniel was at a loss for words.

Jack rolled his eyes – annoyed because he'd been dragged away from a fairly substantial and tasty breakfast by his 2IC and his best friend, and knowing that by the time he got back Teal'c may well have eaten what he'd 'saved' on his plate. The man had the appetite of a large elephant. A pregnant one. "God, Daniel, could you spit it out already?" Deliberately, he looked at his watch. "I don't have all day."

Well, he did have all day, actually. They were going home this evening at 1900, having stayed on Leroc for the celebration last night at What's-His-Name's very jovial request. He just wanted his breakfast. Was that too much to ask? The food here was *damn* good and he always liked trying new things. Though nothing that claimed to taste like 'chicken'. Because that was just wrong. 

"Sir," Carter began, her mouth staying open for a couple of seconds before she, too, faltered and was unable to finish a sentence. She looked really pissed that she couldn't seem to say anything.

"Guys?" Jack encouraged, impatiently, picturing his breakfast and trying not to salivate. If Teal'c had touched one piece of that stuff that looked like bacon and tasted like sausage he was gonna kick his ass from here to Abydos.

Daniel winced and glanced at Carter, who was now also making a face. "Jack, it's entirely possible that Sam and I," he inclined his head and his body seemed to lean back just a little, "may have accidentally got married last night."

Jack stared at him for a long moment, not understanding. The words didn't make any sense. Sam? Daniel? Married. Three words that never should have been in a sentence together, unless it was one huge, massive, enormous cosmic joke.

The kind of cosmic joke that was so not funny in any way whatsoever.

"Excuse me?" Jack said, in deadly tones.

Carter flushed and looked down at the ground, her mouth firmed. 

Daniel closed his eyes and his shoulders sagged. "Jack, I didn't think of it until this morning. But the sharing of the pallet, the drinking from the same cup... all the husbands and wives were doing the same thing. As were the bride and groom. You and Teal'c sat by yourselves and when Sam arrived late she naturally wanted to sit down before she took the attention away from the wedding couple..."

"Hey!" Carter exclaimed, hotly, the situation obviously disagreeing with her sense of control. "I didn't know! If I'd known that sitting down next to one of my friends would have resulted in some crappy off-world marriage I would have sat down next to the Colonel!"

Hey...

Jack beamed at her. Helplessly. Breakfast was forgotten.

Carter's face lost all of its color in approximately three seconds as she turned from looking at Daniel to look at her CO. " I'm sorry, sir, that was completely inappropriate of me," she said quickly, sounding as obsequious as she could.

"That's... fine, Carter. Really, completely fine." So fine, in fact, that Jack was quite sure his feet were no longer touching the ground. "So, Daniel, what exactly are we going to do?"

"Well... first I was going to go and ask... er," Daniel blinked hurriedly, "the big bald guy..."

"Daniel, we've been here for two weeks, don't you think it's time you learned the name of the leader?" Jack managed, smirking. Since he wasn't going to get breakfast now, he decided torturing Daniel would be next.

Daniel raised his eyebrows at his CO. "Well, what's his name, then, Jack?" he asked, sarcastically.

Jack cleared his throat and decided it would be best to move on swiftly. There was an art to teasing Daniel and it was not to let Daniel get a word in edgeways. "And what are you going to talk with him about, Daniel?"

"I'm going to find out if it's possible that Sam and I might have," he plucked at the T-shirt around his neck and waved it away from his skin, "got married. Then... if it's true... I'm going to see if they have a divorce process."

Carter growled slightly and both of them looked at her sharply. She threw up her hands in irritation. "What? I didn't want to get married for the first time to *Daniel*!" she seethed.

But, apparently, Jack thought happily, if it had been him, she wouldn't have minded.

How cool was that?

"Would you stop saying things like that?" Daniel exclaimed, looking at her with a furrowed brow. Jack could have sworn he was pouting, too. "It's actually kind of hurtful."

Carter was clearly not impressed by the 'wounded' look Daniel was wearing. "Oh, give it up, Daniel. You don't want to be married to me either," she said snappishly, folding her arms over her chest and scowling at Jack's boots furiously.

"But at least I'm not saying that! I have enough tact to remain completely quiet on the topic..."

Jack shook his head, trying to get the whole concept of being married to Carter out of his brain. "Enough, children. Daniel, you go find out from Big Bald Guy whether you two are married. Carter and I will go and chat to Hammond." He tilted his mouth to the radio. "Teal'c, come in."

"I copy, O'Neill."

"Meet Daniel by... the Big Bald Guy."

"Armon?"

He could all but see Teal'c's eyebrow rise. "Yeah!" Thank God at least one of them was acting like a professional. "That's the guy. We may have a problem."

"I will be there, O'Neill."

"O'Neill out." He smiled genially at Daniel and Carter and waved a hand at Daniel. "Off you go, Danny. Go... figure this out. Carter, with me."

As they walked away, Jack heard Daniel muttering, "Sometimes, Jack you are the biggest pain in the..."

"You know, he has no respect for me," Jack murmured.

Carter chose not to respond.

*

Jack was an ass. 

As if it hadn't been bad enough waking up this morning *knowing* he'd done something stupid the night before, it was waking up realizing he'd done something stupid the night before and having to tell Jack all about it. 

Daniel hated it when he was wrong. Worse still, Jack *loved* it when Daniel was wrong and it could take days... weeks... months before Jack would stop mentioning it. Even then, the man had the memory of an elephant and years later, he would suddenly pull the most embarrassing stories out for the general entertainment of everyone *but* Daniel and he would be mortified.

Yes. Jack was an ass.

Teal'c was waiting patiently outside the main offices of the 'Lac'qu'meen' – who were essentially the body of government for this people. While there were elements of tribalism within the culture itself, it also had a few recognizable democratic traits – a mixture that Daniel found truly fascinating.

But, no, he had to concentrate.

"Daniel Jackson, what has occurred?" Teal'c demanded as soon as Daniel was near enough.

Daniel sighed and closed his eyes. "There's a chance I may have married Sam last night." There was silence. Daniel pried open an eye and peered at the Jaffa. He groaned. "Oh, don't *grin*, for God's sake."

"It seems I am unable to help myself, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c replied and if he'd been anyone else, Daniel would have sworn that shake in his voice was laughter. "We are to speak with Armon about this... predicament?"

Predicament? That sounded so *wrong* coming from Teal'c. "Yes. Jack... was very insistent."

"I can imagine."

Daniel looked at Teal'c sharply, wondering at the nuances in Teal'c's short statement. He didn't have to wonder for long because the door opened and Armon himself walked out.

"Friends!" he exclaimed jovially, beaming at Teal'c and Daniel before throwing his arms out and embracing both men at the same time.

Daniel tried not to make a sound. He was a man who liked his personal space – part of the reason he'd never shared an apartment when he was younger and part of the reason he vowed never to live with Jack O'Neill for any length of time ever again. Sha're, of course, had been a different matter entirely.

But Sha're was the reason he was here, about to engage in probably the most embarrassing conversation of his entire life. For it was Daniel's legal battles back on Earth to make sure Sha're was his 'legal' wife that had led to his new... relationship with Sam.

How did someone get accidentally married? How had his life become so strange? 

Armon released them and put his hands on his wide hips, still beaming. His glowing white head reflected the two distant suns and half of their moon, his eyes were a glittering, bright green and his mouth was slicked with a purple gloss that many of the local women had tried to force on Jack, Teal'c and Daniel. 

They had refused, though Sam had spent the following ten minutes alternately hiding behind buildings, laughing hysterically, and pressing her lips together in pretense of seriousness.

She hadn't been fooling anyone but it had been nice that she tried.

Daniel mentally sighed and opened his mouth to begin, when Armon, in fact, interrupted him. "My son! How is your new bride?" He waggled his eyebrows at Daniel.

Daniel swore. In Egyptian.

Teal'c grinned.

Armon apparently took this as a sign of pleasure and he wrapped a wide arm around Daniel's neck, squeezed and rubbed his knuckles over Daniel's head. "Excellent, my son! You are well suited. May you have many daughters and large sons!"

Teal'c's grin was approaching 'scary' status. "Daniel Jackson would like to know if the marriage is indeed legal, Armon."

The large man let Daniel go again but not without one more knuckle rub. "Legal?" he queried, still smiling. He pinched one of Daniel's cheeks.

Daniel straightened and touched his sore scalp, wincing slightly. Then he touched his cheek, wondering when was the last time someone had pinched his cheek. He had an awful feeling Jack had done it recently but he couldn't remember. "Ah, binding? Legitimate? Long-term?"

Comprehension dawned on Armon's square face. "Indeed! Yes, it is. Congratulations! The marriage paperwork is being drawn up for you by our greatest scribes – it will be ready soon! Now, I am late for an appointment with my wife." He winked suggestively at Daniel, waggled his thick eyebrows and nodded at Teal'c. Then he walked off, calling over his shoulder, "Many daughters! Large sons!"

He could feel the blood draining from his face. "Oh God."

Teal'c rested a hand on Daniel's shoulder. "I am sorry for your situation, Daniel Jackson, but this is indeed a most amusing time for me. Forgive my levity."

Daniel shot Teal'c a dirty look. "We didn't ask him if there was a divorce process. Jack is going to kill me. What am I saying? *Sam* is going to kill me."

"Indeed!" Teal'c replied, gleefully.

Wrenching his shoulder away from Teal'c, Daniel stomped off after the surprisingly swift-footed Armon, hoping to catch him before his 'appointment' with his wife. He could have sworn he heard Teal'c chuckle.

Damn him.

*

"As you know, after Dr. Jackson's marriage to Sha're and his legal demands on Earth, all off-world marriages are now legal." Hammond sighed wearily. In the corner of the video screen, Sam could see Siler's eyes were all but popping out of his head. She glared at that corner of the screen and Siler seemed to get the message – he moved out of sight.

"Well, they'll just have to get a divorce," the Colonel replied calmly. "Nothing else too it. Daniel's working that angle, sir."

"Is there any actual proof of this marriage? Without proof I'm sure we can work something else out," Hammond asked, his eyebrows raised in hope.

Colonel O'Neill glanced at Sam, who shrugged. After all, as far as she was concerned, she'd sat next to her teammate and friend, borrowed his cup and that was that. Without an actual ceremony – or what she considered to be a ceremony - she wasn't remotely convinced. "I'm not sure, sir." His hand reached for his radio as he contacted Daniel. "Dr. Jackson, report."

"Yeah, this is Daniel."

"Do we have proof that this marriage is legal?"

"Not as of yet."

The Colonel frowned at this surprising answer. "Not as of *yet*?"

"The scribes are working on it, Jack."

He rolled his eyes. "So that would be a 'yes'?"

"Apparently, yeah."

"Damn. Sir, yeah, apparently we now have proof."

Sam couldn't help but think that if they hadn't told Hammond and then just burned the evidence, none of this was a problem. But, then they would have had to lie in their reports and Sam didn't particularly want this episode to come up next time she was shoved in a zay'tarc machine.

"Find out if there's a divorce procedure, or some kind of an annulment, Colonel. If there isn't, bring the evidence back and we'll have the lawyers look it over." He nodded. "Hammond, out."

They disconnected and stood side by side in front of the Stargate for a moment. "This sucks, sir," she said eventually.

"Yeah, I know. But it could be worse."

"How?"

"Davis could have come with us. You could be married to him."

"Sir!"

"Maybourne!"

"Oh, *sir*!"

In full swing, the Colonel started walking back to the village. "Colonel Simmons!"

"That's not funny, sir."

He was laughing hard now, standing in the middle of the worn track between two cereal fields. "Oh, man, that's a good one. Colonel Simmons!"

She rolled her eyes at her superior officer and walked ahead of him so he couldn't see her grin. Though the situation wasn't the best, Sam decided she ought to enjoy the level of familiarity the Colonel was using with her. Things had been very formal between them for some months – for obvious reasons – and it was only recently that they'd started to find some balance in their professional lives. 

Sam had missed joking around with him. Of all the things they had lost – all sorts of innocent looks, touches and conversations – she missed the one on one joking around on missions, the shared raised eyebrows at something Daniel had said and the way he'd come into her lab and mock her gently. 

Sounded strange... but she really missed that. 

"Okay, okay, seriously, Carter, everything will be fine," the Colonel said, catching up with her effortlessly and jamming his hands into his pockets. He nudged her with his shoulder and she nudged back lightly. "But... for the time being... how do you feel about the name Mrs. Jackson?"

*

Teal'c usually kept his sense of humor under tight control. Experience had taught him that humans didn't really appreciate his particular brand of humor – after all his jokes were essentially culturally based – but he didn't for the most part mind that. 

But, really, this was too much for him. He was having a very hard time trying not to let his amusement show and, for once in his life, he was failing miserably. Absolutely miserably and while he knew he ought to be concerned that he was finding this particular mission absolutely hysterical and he had no control over that hysteria, he couldn't quite find it in himself.

Unfortunately, for Teal'c, O'Neill had moved past the stage of anger to non-stop 'wisecracking'. Teal'c decided he would quite like to have been there for the anger stage because that would have been most entertaining, but he did enjoy the wisecracking due to the discomfort it caused Daniel Jackson. Teal'c was less inclined to be amused by Major Carter's discomfort but then O'Neill was also aware she had somewhat of a lower tolerance for jokes at her expense. 

"Well?"

"Ah, he seems quite surprised that Sam and I wanted to get a divorce." Daniel Jackson explained, smirking at O'Neill. "Thinks we'd make an *excellent* couple."

"Many daughters, strong sons," Teal'c put in almost eagerly. He was particularly amused by that concept.

O'Neill's eyes narrowed at Teal'c and Teal'c had a feeling O'Neill knew he was enjoying this a little too much. "And?"

"They don't have a divorce procedure. He didn't even understand it. I explained the marriage was a mistake, that we didn't understand the cultural significance of the ceremony last night. He was a little embarrassed; it didn't occur to him that we didn't have similar marriage ceremonies since otherwise we're physically very similar to them. They do have something else though."

Teal'c bit down on his tongue in anticipation – he knew he was going to enjoy this. He wished he had someway to record the conversation. 

"Essentially..." Daniel Jackson scratched the back of his head and then tentatively touched the area where Armon had showed him... affection. Teal'c noticed that the young man was wisely not looking O'Neill in the eye. "Sam and I have to prove we're not compatible. Then they'll grant us a reprieve."

He did so love the way Daniel Jackson built up the tension like this – it made the end result so much more effective. Teal'c switched his attention to O'Neill's face, studying it intently, longing for the moment when all would be revealed. Currently O'Neill was concealing his thoughts, with the exception of the hard brightness to his eyes that stated that he was theorizing hard. 

"So how do we have to do that?" Major Carter demanded hotly, standing to the left of O'Neill. Less experienced at concealing her facial emotions – Major Carter's expression told him everything she was feeling: anger; anxiety; and a little fear.

A smirk broke across O'Neill's face. "There's nothing for it, Carter, you're going to have to tell him that archeology is boring."

This earned O'Neill two very similar dark looks from the scientists on SG-1. Teal'c was entertained. 

He was going to really enjoy writing his mission report. 

"Well... it's kind of... I think General Hammond will, obviously, have to approve it," Daniel cleared his throat nervously, "because it's a little... unorthodox." He fiddled with his glasses, pushing them up his nose unnecessarily.

Though neither O'Neill nor Major Carter noticed it, both of them inched a little closer to each other. 

Teal'c's mouth twitched.

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it..."

"Please do!" O'Neill exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "We're not getting any younger here, Daniel!"

Daniel lifted an arm and pointed to a small building on the outskirts of the village – it was really no bigger than a hut, the walls were whitewashed and the roof was tiled with red and blue slabs of stone. The door was a shade of orange that Teal'c found difficult to look at when the sun was shining so bright. "See that hut?" he said, his voice suspiciously squeaky.

"I could hardly miss it, Daniel."

"Sam and I have to live there. Together. For a week." There was a pause. "Naked."

*

Stretching, Armon walked out onto the rooftop of his home. From there he could see over most of the village, with the exception of some of the homes that were built slightly further beyond the forest. He had built his home in this spot deliberately so that he could watch over his people if he was so inclined. He did like to look out for them. 

Down in the valley, his nephew and his new bride were celebrating their new union. It brought tears to his eyes to think of the new life they would be starting out together – he hoped they had many daughters and large sons. It was a great shame the newcomers who came through the Ring had not found happiness with their accidental union but he was realistic. If it was not to be, it was not to be. 

He leaned on the wall edge and breathed in deeply, enjoying the silence. The peace and quiet would always be a great pleasure for Armon, who had once lived in a far larger village some distance away.

Assured that his beautiful village was at peace, Armon pushed off the wall and walked back towards the stairs, wondering if his wife would be up to another 'appointment' with him. 

"SONOFABITCH!"

Armon froze and watched in horror as from the trees a flock of about a hundred birds, terrified by the noise, fled their perches in the trees and headed for the clouds above. 

What on Leroc was *that*?

  


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End file.
